Three Ways to Stand Up to Peer Pressure as an Adult
Now that it’s February, I realize my dry January was not fully what I intended it to be. I did learn, though, how other people react when you’re not drinking, like when a friend offered me a drink and I declined.
“Really?” she exclaimed, “Oh, I mean, it’s fine, you’re healthy. Does it even matter?”
After taking a deep breath and fighting the edge of frustration in my voice, I said, “No really, I’m good.”
Seriously, it’s that easy — and that hard — to say no.
In middle school and as teenagers, peer pressure was more widely talked about. Parents and everyone else would warn us about the dangers of bad influences if we hung out with the wrong crowd. Why as adults is it still hard to apply those same principles to our everyday lives?
We are often worried about our desire to be accepted because social support is key to our survival. And sometimes the act of doing something — such as drinking alcohol — makes us feel like we fit in. Adopting similar values, beliefs, and goals or participating in the same activities as our friends is something we’ll always go after whether we’re 15 or 50 years old. For example, while a 15-year-old may respond to peer pressure by wanting the newest kind of jeans, the same pressure may influence a 50-year-old to buy a new car or to keep up with the Joneses. We can also be pressured into living a life that is not authentically ours or strive for some ‘success’ as defined by someone else.
Yet peer pressure is neither good or bad. It can be help us eat healthier foods or exercise more, but can also drive us to get way too drunk. It’s often discussed in teenage years because we’re finding out who we are and want to be — and often adopt routines of our desired tribe(s). This can vary from joining a group smoking cigarettes after school, to meeting up with those who opt to run cross country. As adults, we face similar choices, especially when we must cope with pain or face cravings. We can numb it with addictive behavior or engage with our pain in a healthy and constructive way. Yet addictive behavior — is, well, addictive for a reason. Conforming to our addictions or egos can be a help or a hindrance.
Our need to conform is totally normal. A famous social experiment on social conformity in the 1950s involved 50 male students from Swarthmore College (more details here) who participated in a ‘vision test’. In short, the study found individuals conformed with a clearly incorrect majority one third of the time. We’re wired to want to impress people in social settings.
That’s why it’s hard sometimes when an individual wants to make a life change, and others in their lives do not accept it. Instead of offering support when someone is working to make a significant life change, like to stop smoking or drinking, some people create a sense of guilt or even shame for them wanting to do something differently.
It’s like a movie scene with zombies where the sole human who slipped behind is trying to escape the undeads’ hands. When they cannot escape, they are grabbed hold of by the zombies and pulled down by the masses. If we don’t know how to deal with the pressure of others’ opinions, we can internalize their projected wants and self-sabotage by ultimately giving up our goals and reverting to old bad habits.
As mentioned, conformity or peer pressure can be good or bad. It’s proven to be especially helpful when people try to be healthier or learn a new skill. According to a 2005 study from Brown Medical School and Dartmouth University, teaming up with someone who is serious about dieting and has successfully lost weight on their own increases our chance for weight-loss success. We often need someone to hold us accountable, a person or partner that can offer us advice and support to keep us going when want to give up.
When we make positive choices, we influence our partners, who make their own positive choices which influences us back — creating and completing a positive influence loop. If we’re with the right person and achieve our short-term successes — that then ultimately determines both of us achieving our long-term goals. A.k.a. positive peer pressure. Here are five more ways peer pressure can be a positive influence, like calling friends when we want to give into an unhealthy craving.
While it’s great to support each other’s positive efforts, it’s hard to always have someone to rely on to help us achieve our goals. So how can we still maintain our courage to say “no” when we need to? Here are three tried and true ways to respond to peer pressure:
1. Say no, assertively: this definitely happens when we’re teaching our kids how to deal with peer pressure (like we learned with D.A.R.E.) but it’s true for adults, too. When someone is pressuring us to do something unhealthy, they are often seeking validation for their own reckless or unhealthy behavior. When we say ‘no’ with eye contact and conviction, they often step away from pressuring us. If they want further explanation, using “I” language (i.e. I think, I feel, I want) helps them understand why we’re opting out.
2. Validate who we are and the choices we make:
Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”—Mahatma Gandhi
Our ego is a powerful thing (some ways to confront that here) and we’ll always question our choices. What matters in the end is not how much we grapple with our egos, but whether the active choices and efforts we make reflect our values.
Cultivating self-confidence when you’re feeling down is super powerful to tap into our inner values. One tip that has worked for me when I’m feeling blue is to make a list about what I’ve done and who I am. So often we focus on what’s next but taking time to reflect and acknowledge what we’ve done already helps to remind us of why we’re worthy of any future change.
3. Find your positive vibe tribe:
When we become adults, our social circles grow beyond recess. If we’re with friends who make us feel uncomfortable or alienate us, we can aim to find a more positive tribe. There are so many resources such as MeetUp or Facebook groups that make it easy to find like minded folks with similar interests. I’m thinking of starting a Sangha or group for Elements!
Sitting down to clarify with these friends, or even severing ties is hard — and might sound harsh — but taking time to evaluate if the basis of the friendship is one based on unhealthy behavior or contrasts with your values or goals is important.
What matters at the end of the day is finding the strength to stay true to your own convictions — and that includes saying “no” if we need to.