The Tyranny of Perfectionism
On the beach in Sea Bright, NJ one morning this summer, a deer ran past me and barreled itself into the ocean. I assumed this deer was as hot as the rest of us on a 90-degree day and only wanted to cool off. But it swam away confidently towards the sea’s horizon.
After standing there for twenty minutes, tears eventually filled my eyes, and I asked myself: what is the universe trying to teach me here?
I immediately thought of how often I throw myself into things thinking I fully know what I am doing, and what is going to happen next. The more I grow, the most I realize that is silly because I know very little concretely. Complete knowing rarely happens due to a variety of factors, like other people’s influence, or perhaps the environment that we live in. There is also the role of expectations that we hold for others and ourselves.
As a recovering perfectionist, throwing myself into things, and then expecting myself to do it the very best way comes naturally. As a young communications professional, I would write and re-write sentences looking for the perfect composition, and often cry when my boss would cut them. In my early years of practice, I worried about getting the physical posture perfect.
I know the self-tyranny of perfectionism very well, and how it can creep into everything we do. Soon moments of relaxation and contentment are filled with anxiety and dissatisfaction. We want to know what’s next, and somehow create discontent of now which can destroy what we’re trying to improve.
And our true spiritual practice tells us that we should know better. We know true perfection is not something to achieve. No matter what you eat, drink, wear, or do, it’s a state that arises unbidden-a sense of fullness and unity that comes straight from the heart.
This may be when we enjoy being with loved ones or an activity that puts us into a state of “flow”. It’s why we make time for art, exercise, yoga, meditation, or whatever else brings you into a state of fullness where the action is often effortless.
During these times we can’t feel apart from our interconnectedness in the world. We can’t make a mistake because we are perfectly content to be where we are. Even if something painful or sad happens, the feeling of perfection in our “flow” isn’t destroyed.
In Sanskrit, one of the words for perfection is purna, usually translated as fullness or wholeness. Indian yogic texts tell us that everything in this world arises from and is contained inside one single energy, or shakti. This energy, even if it feels imperfect, is always perfectly complete, whole, and full—and is in all our forms, thoughts, and states of being. Imagine a candle illuminating thousands of other candles, all burning bright and the original candles loses no fullness. This can help explain the “fullness” mantra.
“This is a mantra of the most significant statements ever made anywhere on earth at any time. The mantra contains the whole secret of the mystic approach towards life.
This small mantra contains the essence of the Upanishadic vision… Nothing is insignificant, nothing is smaller than anything else. The part represents the whole just as the seed contains the whole.” - Osho
Sanskrit:
Om purnamadah purnamidam
Purnat purnamudachyate
Purnasya purnamadaya
Purnamevaavashishyate
Om shanti shanti shanti
English:
This is whole
That is whole
From wholeness
Emerges wholeness
Wholeness comes from wholeness
Wholeness still remains
May there be peace, peace, peace
Our ideal of perfection—which comes up from the ego’s need to control—keeps us from experiencing perfection. Like any construct, it closes the door on the joyful, chaotic mess of our daily reality and instead offers us a strict, unyielding set of ideas about what is appropriate or beautiful.
Many of us cannot help but live under the tyranny of perfection due to the pressures of our culture, family, or upbringing. Yet realizing perfection itself is not the tyrant is the first step. Rather it’s the ideas and memories of perfectionism that continue to tyrannize us.
Becoming more aware of our patterns of perfectionism, seeing them and then choosing to let them go is powerful. Because moment by moment, we can be inside the perfect time that no striving or grasping can reach, and no judgment can destroy. Moment by moment, day by day, week by week, we can slowly begin to know that we ourselves—just as we are—will always be enough.